Grief: we all experience it, and it looks and feels different each time, depending on circumstances, context, the relationship we have with the person who has died and many other factors.
But there are some regular themes that arise in the counselling room when I'm working with someone who is grieving. And one of the most common is guilt.
When we're grieving and feeling ALL the emotions (sometimes all at once, which can be very conflicting and discombobulating) – or none at all, and feeling stunned and numb – it’s very normal for negative self-talk to appear. The renowned psychotherapist and grief therapist, Julia Samuel, once referred to this in her Grief Works webinar as the ‘sh**ty committee’ in our heads. And one of the most difficult topics for this rubbishy committee to mull over and attend to is guilt.
Guilt can be one of the most powerful feelings people experience when they're bereaved. And it's a feeling that can shape-shift and take many forms.
Here, I've paraphrased some of the assertions I've heard:
‘I should have done more’
‘I should’ve known he was ill and made him go to the doctor’
‘It’s my fault she got sick – I must’ve done something wrong’
‘Why wasn’t I there when she died?’
‘I could’ve seen him more – I would have noticed the signs he was getting worse’
‘I must be over it by now – why can’t I pull myself together? I feel so bad that I can’t’
Guilt is especially common in those who sadly lose a child. Parents are left feeling that their only job was to protect their child and when that child dies before them – which let’s be honest, isn’t the ‘natural order’ of things – the resulting overwhelming grief can lead to thoughts of:
‘I should’ve saved him/her. I couldn’t do the one job I’m here to do… I’m a bad person and I’m being punished’
Some people even feel guilty when they have rare moments of forgetting about their grief – at work, on a night out, enjoying time with friends or just being present in the moment and not feeling overwhelming sadness for the briefest of moments.
In his (very excellent) book, The Plain Guide To Grief, Dr John Wilson describes a scenario where a client goes out with friends in the months after her husband’s death. She really enjoys herself but returns to an empty house and feels overwhelmed by guilt. They worked through the guilt in therapy and Dr Wilson reflects that it’s important to not deny the guilt: the feelings that you experience are yours and it’s important to accept them – acknowledging that for now, this is your reality. His client reported that the more she went out over the ensuing months, the less guilt she felt.
And all of this is OK. Guilt, like other powerful emotions experienced in grief, does pass. And that’s OK, too.
Dealing with guilt
Acknowledging your feelings of guilt and accepting them, just like any other emotion, are the first steps in processing what’s going on for you. Talking to others about how you feel is also important – share how you’re feeling with a trusted friend or family member or with a grief counsellor. If you can’t do this, try writing down how you feel.
Here are some other things that can help:
Self care – look after yourself. When people are grieving, I’ve noticed that they can stop looking after themselves. We have greater capacity for dealing with difficult times if we’re well rested, well nourished and can stay physically active in some way.
Asking for help – be honest if you’re struggling to cope. Most people are more than happy to lend a hand with shopping, childcare, meal making, errands and helping with household chores. Lots of people feel they don’t want to ‘be a burden’ or that others are too busy to help, but in reality, those that care for you are keen to help you through and just need to be guided as to what that help might look like.
Sharing how you feel. If you can’t talk to those close to you, find support groups* you can connect with. There are charities and organisations full of people going through similar times to you. Being in online groups, reading discussion boards or connecting with others in person can be really therapeutic because it’s important to know you’re not alone on your grief journey.
Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. It’s messy, disruptive and can affect all areas of your life. But know that no feeling is ‘wrong’. And don’t feel guilty about the guilt you might feel.