How to find support when you're living with grief

“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Grief: it affects us all at some point. And yet it’s not often that it's openly discussed, except in hushed tones and whispered conversations. I feel that when dealing with a bereavement, society gives us messages that we’re expected to ‘get over it’ as quickly as possible and return to normal. Or we tell us ourselves that we ‘should be over it’- which is a whole other blog post.

Except what IS normal when you’re dealing with the absence of someone who was important to you – for good or bad?

Grief is a space in which you learn what your new normal looks like and it’s painful and difficult and hard to define. It can look a lot like depression sometimes, or anger or a lingering lack of energy or zest for life. Or, it can come with a huge rush of energy to live and ‘get things done’ and this might look like filling your time with new activities.

In short, grief looks different to everyone and there’s no ‘normal way’ to be when someone is missing from your life.

What helps when you’re grieving?

While grief looks different for everyone – and every bereavement is different – there are some things that helps us all and these include:

• Allowing yourself to cry
• Speaking to yourself with compassion, as you would a friend – not a critical voice
• Accepting where you’re at – remove pressure to ‘be’ a certain way
• Being aware of your capacity and energy levels – putting boundaries in place if you feel you need to say no to some invitations or requests
• Looking after yourself. Find ways to nurture yourself and take things slowly. Go back to basics: spend time in nature; go for walks; try to get some early morning light; find ways to improve your sleep; nourish yourself
• Be honest and tell people how you’re feeling
• Finding support when you need it

Where to find support with your grief

Some of people are lucky enough to have close friends and family who they can be open and honest with about how they’re feeling when grieving. But sometimes those closest to us are not the best sources of support: they might be grieving too, and could find coping with someone else’s grief too much – or they might try to ‘fix’ things for you, rather than just listen while you say all the things you need to.

Thankfully, support is available to those who feel they might benefit from a non-judgemental third-party compassionate ear.

Here are some avenues to try:

• Cruse Bereavement Support offers in-person, group, phone, email and online support, nationally. Go to cruse.org.uk or call 0808 808 1677 from Monday to Friday (helpines are open at varying times)
• In the Bromley, Croydon Lambeth and Lewisham areas we’re lucky to have access to bereavement support services, including counselling, via St Christopher’s. They offer support for children and young people, too, thanks to the Candle project. St Christopher’s also run Bereavement Help Points – weekly drop-in sessions held in Norwood, Croydon, Petts Wood, Chislehurst, Catford, Beckenham, Lambeth and online. These are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to support you. For group support you can also try their Learning From Loss sessions. Find out more at https://www.stchristophers.org.uk/bereavement-service-bromley/ or call 020 8768 4599
• If you’re reading this and you’re not in any of the areas mentioned above, try your local hospice for support. There are over 200 hospices in the country, and you can find out more here https://www.hospiceuk.org/
• Living On Bereavement Service offers help to children, young people under 18 and families who have experienced a bereavement in the Bromley borough, via one-to-one support, dramatherapy and family support services. Call 01689 831720 or go to livingon.org.uk for more info
• Winston’s Wish is a charity that offers free online support to children and under 25s. Go to winstonswish.org or call 08088 020 021. You can also try Grief Encounter for help for bereaved children and young people: https://www.griefencounter.org.uk/ they have a Grief Talk helpline on 0808 802 0111
• Check out your local church. Many churches run coffee mornings and informal meet-ups for those living with loss
• The Bereavement Support Café is a volunteer-run drop-in service that runs on the last Thursday of the month in Orpington Village Hall from 11.45 to 1.30pm. It’s a relaxed, non-religious space to be with others and share your experiences over a cuppa
• For support with a particular type of grief, you’ll find a really good directory of services on the St Christopher’s website, here: https://www.stchristophers.org.uk/bereavement-help-points/ including the South East London Suicide Bereavement Service, SANDS for baby loss and widowed young support
• Bereavement counselling with a practitioner who has specific grief training and experience – especially if your grief is complex. You’ve landed in the right place if you’re looking for help with a bereavement – just pop me a message via the Contact page or email info@kaythomascounselling.com and if I can’t help you, I’m happy to signpost you to my network of peers who’ve had the same training as me.

Other grief support resources to try

Here are some books and podcasts that I’ve found helpful in my time spent working with clients dealing with grief and loss:

*The Plain Guide to Grief by Dr John Wilson – written just after the pandemic, Dr Wilson’s book is easy to read and incredibly relatable

*Grief Works, Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel – Julia is a grief guru and this book is a compassionate guide to rebuilding your life after a loss. Look out for Julia’s podcasts and YouTube videos

*Griefcast – a podcast devoted to people’s experiences with host Cariad Lloyd

*Dying Matters podcast

*You can find a list of other bereavement podcasts here: https://www.hospiceintheweald.org.uk/news-and-stories/podcasts-that-talk-about-death-and-dying/

Feeling like you’re really struggling to cope?

If you’re finding it hard to cope following a loss, here are some support services to try – and remember your GP can support you if you’re struggling – and if you feel you’re in crisis, call 999 or walk in to your nearest Urgent Care centre and ask for the mental health crisis team:

• Solidarity in a Crisis – out of hours crisis line: 0300 123 1922 or text 0788 9756 087/0788 9756 083
• The Samaritans: 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: 0845 790 9090
• NHS Oxleas Mental Health Crisis Line 0800 330 8590 (24 hours)
• SANEline: 0845 767 8000

I'm passionate about helping people who are struggling with their grief, so please do not hesitate to get in touch if you need help coming to terms with your loss – if I can't help you, chances are I know someone else who can and I'm always happy to signpost you to other forms of help.