FEELING ANGRY?
Anger: we all feel it at some point. And for you it might be expressed as:
Hacked off
Fuming
Irritated as hell
Pee’d off
Mad
Annoyed
Cross
Vexed
Frustrated
Whatever words you use to describe your anger it’s always worth taking a minute to ask yourself: what’s really going on here?
To help make sense of angry feelings, I’m a fan of using the Anger Iceberg. It’s a good illustration that clearly shows what we feel – the biggest emotion we're experiencing – isn’t always the entire picture. This is because it’s not uncommon for anger to be a secondary emotion that peaks (and peeks) to the surface but far below there’s a different, perhaps more vulnerable feeling lurking. For example, anger is often a defensive state or a protection against feelings such as sadness or fear.
And I find that people are often scared of their anger. They worry it might become too big and bubble over. Or they describe times when ‘the red mist’ has descended and they felt their anger was going to overwhelm or overpower them and they’d lost control or felt they couldn’t contain or control what they said or did. And this can feel scary. Some feel that expressing anger is childish or immature – that this is not a seemly state or emotion for a grown-up to be feeling (a sentiment often heard in childhood or a belief expressed by parents and other caregivers). So what do they do? They swallow it; bury; squash and suppress.
And none of those things are good. Where does anger go when it's not expressed? It can turn inwards, which can lead to depression, guilt, shame and anxiety. I also believe that suppressing anger can negatively affect physical health too: after all, anger is an energy and has to go somewhere. And it can be an agent of change - often a positive thing.
So next time you feel angry ask:
What’s your anger trying to tell you?
What’s the message it wants you to hear?
And what are you going to do with your anger?
Healthy ways of dealing with anger
Sometimes clients find it useful to channel their anger in some way: angry cleaning, fast walking, working out, punching a pillow, sitting in the car and having a good shout or scream; belting out a power ballad or rock song… all good activities. Phoning a friend or loved one and letting rip is also cathartic. If you don’t feel able to do that – record a voice not or say out loud what you’d like to say.
A more thoughtful place to process your anger is of course in the counselling room with a therapist. If that’s not something you feel able to do right now, try this: buy a big sheet of red paper and a black marker pen or felt-tip. Write down what you’re angry about. Get them out and onto paper. What you do next is up to you – you could tear the paper up into little pieces, you could safely burn it or you could read it and see what comes up for you.
What helps you when you’re angry?